Over the past couple of weeks I have really valued each moment. I know that I have said to never take anything for granted but having the opportunity to really let go and LIVE in the moment has been something I have been trying to do each day. I went to the Malibu Chile Cook-Off Saturday of Labor Day weekend with Mike, Kelli, Greg, and Aaron and Pam (from Vegas). The sun finally came out and it was a fun filled afternoon where I consumed a variety of vegetarian chili options. There was also a fair and Kelli convinced me to get in what I like to call a spinning tea-cup. We were twirling around so fast…. I remember grabbing her arm and screaming in delight. I found myself laughing so hard that tears were falling from my eyes. It felt amazing to have the whirlwind of fear rush through my body and then the laughter overcoming my anxiety. It was also so wonderful to see Aaron and Pam. We hadn’t seem them in a couple of years, so I really enjoyed the time with them. That evening Mike and I had dinner with Kari, Eric and Shelby. It was another opportunity to be with friends and just forget about what is really going on.
I am also finding that I want to walk everywhere. I want to take Ink for hikes (Thank you Coral for reminding me about this!!), I want to walk to the new Trader Joes, I want to walk to the Farmers Market. I don’t care where I walk, but I want to walk. I want to breathe. I want to enjoy the sun and feel the rays against my skin. I want to listen to the waves crashing against the rocks at the beach. I want to hear the traffic and watch the cars go by so quickly. I want to hear laughter, I want to hear water boiling when we make quinoa pasta, I want to snuggle with Ink and watch Mike sleep at night. I never want to take anything for granted again.
I have joined this Listserv: http://www.acor.org/myeloma.html, which I encourage everyone to join who wants to learn more about my disease. After reading so many emails through the listserv I have learned that most survivors struggle to do just that – to survive. Multiple Myeloma is a horrible disease that affects the bodies and bones of patients. The pain that many go through with treatments, broken bones, lesions, etc… is just endless. I sent an email through the website and have had many survivors and caregivers respond to me directly. All individuals have a variety of stories of how they were diagnosed, how they are living their lives, how they want to offer help or know someone who has gone through this disease (caregiver to them). This resource is unexplainable – a place where I can feel comfortable knowing that I have support. It’s like my new tribe. There is sadness however on this listserv too. There are posts where caregivers have lost someone to MM and they want to update everyone that the person who used to send posts is no longer with us.
I have been telling more people that I have Cancer, a couple more people each month actually. I feel completely open about it, in fact when I share the news, I do feel stronger. I don’t want to tell the world yet, but I do want to tell people who I care about. I don’t know if it’s because I feel closer to the people once I tell, but I want them to know what I am going through, and want them to know that I am a fighter. I will not be statistic of someone who has passed away because of this horrible disease. I will be the person that everyone will say that yeah, JMo/Jenny/Jenn has Cancer but she is a warrior through this process and her will to live will overcome any obstacles.
Rosh Hashanah was on Thursday, September 9, 2010 (or 5771). I went to temple with my sister Heather and Mike on Wednesday evening and with my parents on Thursday. I am not a religious person, I always say that I am a laid back Jew, however I really felt the need to go to temple and pray. I saw Barbara Savin earlier in the week who shared that my Aura was incredibly strong. She shared that whatever I am doing, to continue to do it. She even asked me if anything had changed since the previous week and I had mentioned that I am continuing to eat healthy and surround myself with love and white light. I loved hearing her say my Aura was strong because I do admit I have been feeling quite well. Being in temple was just so hard though. I hadn’t been in years and I found that I was overwhelmed with emotions. Heather asked me the night before why I had wanted to go to temple and I replied that I want God to pray for me. I have been wearing my Torah and Yad recently too. I felt wonderful on Thursday night – I slept the best I had slept in weeks.
This past weekend I had dinner with Mike, Heather, Jon and my parents. We ate Brazilian food and I just relaxed. On Saturday Mike and I went to Downtown LA and ate Pho with Teresa. It brought me such happiness to see her. When we sat down, she handed me an envelope. She shared that it was not a big deal but something that she wanted me to have. I opened the envelope and saw a beautiful peacock feather. Teresa said she has peacocks that live all around her neighborhood and she wanted to give it to me. I broke down in tears and it made me feel so loved. People are reading my blog…… We then laughed the night away at Last Comic Standing.
This morning, September 13, 2010 I came into work and saw five more peacock feathers on my desk. I gasped… who would bring me peacock feathers? Kari went to San Francisco this past weekend and brought them back for me. She said the feathers represent my girls here at work (Kari, Colleen, Allison, Shelby and Richard). She also wrote how the feathers carry Spiritual Healing Energy. I went over to her desk and embraced her. Tears came down my cheeks again. How am I so blessed to have such incredible friends? I thank my lucky stars that I surround myself with encouraging energy and positive spirits. The stunning peacock feathers sit on my desk and I will look at them all the time.
I really believe that the precious moments of grace that I live each day will continue to make my aura strong. I do believe that I am incredibly lucky to be who I am and where I am. I love my life. I love the people who encircle me. I surround myself with love and white light and my intention is to be cured of Cancer.
I am lucky to be me.
