American Cancer Society's Relay for Life: Santa Monica, CA July 10, 2010

I promised Kelli that I would walk with her in honor of Jack Perkins (Her Dad and who I like to call my Godfather) months before I found out I have Cancer. I had no clue how meaningful this walk would have on my life. Mike was there along with my parents, Shira (my twiny), her hubby Scott, and my girls Kari (karbear), Colleen (Coco), Shelby (STC), and Libby (libbylove).

Walking with Cancer survivors, and others who presently have Cancer was surreal. All I could think about during that day was, Do I really have Cancer? Am I supposed to wear this purple Survivor shirt to tell the world that I am sick? That I could die? Or am I supposed to wear this shirt in pride, that I too will be a Survivor one day, who will be walking along the other purple shirts, cheering and smiling that I am cured of this disease. I know that I am not even at that stage of being Cancer free. Tears came to my eyes as reality was settling in. I am only at the beginning and I have a long way to go.

I think that was the first moment I realized that I was different. As I continued to walk each lap with Mike and everyone else, I kept seeing the familiar faces around me. Even though this helped me, there were so many others who I did not know. It was hard to surround myself with strangers... I wonder if they were they thinking...look at the girl in the purple shirt who has Cancer.

I felt more and more helpless. I continued to walk thinking that, if I ever stopped walking this track, will this mean that I will never be cured? Negative thoughts are typically not what would ever come into my mind at any given moment, however during that day, I felt like I was walking into an abyss. An unknown world of fear, anxiety and sadness.

We were there to support my bestie Kelli, but in the end, I believe it was also to support me. A world that I have known for 31 years is no longer the same world I have grown to love and know. Since July 1st, I really do stop and think about what is important to me and how my life will be changed for the better. I also do not take anything for granted.

Have you recently stood outside and felt the wind brush against your face, rushing through your hair? Have you taken the time to really smell those fresh strawberries, and taste how they are so organically delicious. Have you taken the time to embrace your family, friends and pets closer and tell them how you really feel? These precious moments of life are ever so meaningful. It is so important to take time for the little things, because in a blink of a moment, life can, and will change forever.

My only regret is that I did not walk the track with my father, however at the end of the day I started to smile. I am so lucky to be me.

Thinking

Last night was the first time I was in a social environment surrounded by many who have no idea I have Cancer. It was very, very difficult for me. I did not feel safe.

For those that do know about me and my disease, I feel that I can relax, that I can be open, that I can be myself. I had to excuse myself early from the party, which is something that I wouldn't have ever done... especially since the celebration was in honor of a close friend of mine who is moving back to Houston.

I felt horrible. I felt awkward. I felt out of place that everyone around me was happy. It felt wonderful to be surrounded by all of the laughter and smiles, however I was so sad on the inside.

I left early and cried on my way home. I cried in Mike's arms and he was there for me, assuring that I am going to be ok, that I will make it through this challenging time. That I will be able to be strong.

I met two wonderful ladies yesterday (who's names I would like to keep private but will call Healing Energy and Power). It had been some time since we were able to coordinate our schedules but it finally happened. As they both mentioned, now was the time, and I could not have agreed more. Healing Energy shared that she was recovering from Breast Cancer, going on three years. I debated whether or not to tell her that I have Cancer, but something inside of me wanted to. I knew that I would be exposing myself emotionally (which is something I do not do with clients), however I felt that I could trust them.

I hadn't yet had the strength to share my news to many people, however with them, I felt safe. I felt that I could talk about my Cancer openly and they would be able to offer guidance in someway. Who knew how rewarding my afternoon was. I am so incredibly grateful that Healing Energy and Strength came into my life. I can say both of them will be additional support for me on my journey and I am sure I will refer back to them again.

Healing Energy shared something with me today that I thought was very meaningful. “For every tear we allow to fall, we buy another minute of life. They are given by our creator to heal ourselves. They literally drop stress as each tear literally comes out of you.” -- Mariah Fenton Gladis.

From this quote, I am starting to understand that it is so important to have those moments to cry, to be able to let go, to not have the constant need to put up a front and to really allow myself to believe that I am ok if I have one of those days...

I shared the news that I have Cancer to someone new today. Shed a tear and opened up a little more. First step I guess?

A Second Opinion from City of Hope

I spoke with Dr. T and I will be meeting with Dr. Forman from City of Hope for my second opinion. I do not have an appointment scheduled yet, but once I do, I will post that info. I have heard from so many friends and family that Dr. Forman is the best of the best. I do admit this makes me feel very comfortable.

Today was a challenging day for me. I feel that I am being pulled in so many directions. I feel pressure for not doing enough, or not being proactive enough about doing something right away to save my life. I do not even know the next step at this time. I do not even know where to go from here but I will have answers in one week from Dr. T. This waiting game is hard, but I am pulling through.

I have cancer... I can't even believe that I have cancer. I am sitting here and I am numb. I am scared.

In being positive about my illness, I know that I can not ever, ever forget that I am meant to fight this disease and live a complete life. I will not give up.

I heard from the Dr. Today

So I spoke with Dr Terpenning today. The cancer has not affected my liver! I still have the elevated levels of protein, but my kidneys are ok. I also got the results from the chest x-rays from last week and my bones do not have any holes in them.

I will meet with Dr. T on Thursday, July 22 and will have a plan of attack for my cancer. Will be posting updates soon.

Welcome to My Blog

Welcome to My Blog. My bro David helped me set this up! This is a great spot for you to see/hear what is going on in my life with Cancer and where I will be able to share my soul with you all. Please feel free to comment on anything and everything you are feeling. I am looking forward to starting this journey with everyone. Love, xoxo me