Thinking

Last night was the first time I was in a social environment surrounded by many who have no idea I have Cancer. It was very, very difficult for me. I did not feel safe.

For those that do know about me and my disease, I feel that I can relax, that I can be open, that I can be myself. I had to excuse myself early from the party, which is something that I wouldn't have ever done... especially since the celebration was in honor of a close friend of mine who is moving back to Houston.

I felt horrible. I felt awkward. I felt out of place that everyone around me was happy. It felt wonderful to be surrounded by all of the laughter and smiles, however I was so sad on the inside.

I left early and cried on my way home. I cried in Mike's arms and he was there for me, assuring that I am going to be ok, that I will make it through this challenging time. That I will be able to be strong.

I met two wonderful ladies yesterday (who's names I would like to keep private but will call Healing Energy and Power). It had been some time since we were able to coordinate our schedules but it finally happened. As they both mentioned, now was the time, and I could not have agreed more. Healing Energy shared that she was recovering from Breast Cancer, going on three years. I debated whether or not to tell her that I have Cancer, but something inside of me wanted to. I knew that I would be exposing myself emotionally (which is something I do not do with clients), however I felt that I could trust them.

I hadn't yet had the strength to share my news to many people, however with them, I felt safe. I felt that I could talk about my Cancer openly and they would be able to offer guidance in someway. Who knew how rewarding my afternoon was. I am so incredibly grateful that Healing Energy and Strength came into my life. I can say both of them will be additional support for me on my journey and I am sure I will refer back to them again.

Healing Energy shared something with me today that I thought was very meaningful. “For every tear we allow to fall, we buy another minute of life. They are given by our creator to heal ourselves. They literally drop stress as each tear literally comes out of you.” -- Mariah Fenton Gladis.

From this quote, I am starting to understand that it is so important to have those moments to cry, to be able to let go, to not have the constant need to put up a front and to really allow myself to believe that I am ok if I have one of those days...

I shared the news that I have Cancer to someone new today. Shed a tear and opened up a little more. First step I guess?